10.5.26

burn was nice. giant ember fell on my leg and I have a few blisters but they're not so bad.

weird as hell cara spencer lit the effigy. feels antithetical to the whole thing but what do I know.

saw a few people I really didn't need to see for the sake of my sanity.

(trigger warning: SA)

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one person I saw at artica was an ex who sexually assaulted me on my birthday last year.

seeing posts related to SA since the Cornell news broke has made me think more deeply about this than I had before...

I never wanted to share this, because it was more emotionally manipulative that physically violent, and I thought I could move on by just ending the relationship and not engaging with them in that way anymore.

however, this person has spent the last 8 months trying to get me kicked out of every band or ensemble I've been in.

I tried my best to find a mediation service to figure out how we could exist in spaces together peacefully, because we share so many close communities. they yelled at me and cussed at me for nearly 2 hours straight. I maintained my calm as best as I could, but they refuse to communicate with me in any way other than 1 on 1, which feels fucking scary.

they lied to me, cheated on me, took credit for my artwork, tried to ostracize me, sexually assaulted me, and made me feel unsafe by banging on things, making loud noises during fights.

I'm fucking sick and tired of being treated like I'm a horrible person after they've taken so much away from me. I'm exhausted trying to stay resigned and articulate and collected when I'm hurting so much. I miss playing music with my friends, I miss feeling like experimental music is a safe space for me to express myself. I miss hanging out with all the friends I made through pavilion sessions and dissonant works and not being so scared of seeing this person that I can't even bring myself to go.

fuck you, Bren Solis, you will not run me out of town.

10.3.26

artica today, artica tomorrow, artica every day!

9.30.26 pt 2

still sick.

9.30.26

yeah, rent's due.

also, I'm sick.

9.29.26

"oh fuck it's the 29th. rent's due"

trying a weed seltzer for the first time in a long time. unsure of how I feel about this.

9.17.26

a roach fell on my head while I was shitting.

9.13.26

i'd like to go back to school and learn another language or take some kind of art or

history classes. maybe one of these days.

starting a new job tomorrow, wish me luck<3